A Rational God

My little epiphany: A rational God is not rational. I know what you're thinking. That's a paradox Brenna.

In my journey and experience with God, I have been fighting for many reasons, but one of the big ones is my human inability to grasp anything intangible. To believe it I must be able to hear, see, taste, touch, or smell it. Beyond those senses nothing else is real. I also believe, that like most people, I am afraid of what I don't completely understand, and anything beyond my limited and human experience falls into the category of terrifying. Despite these feelings I feel as though I am being pursued by this terrifying and inexplicably wonderful being. I feel as though my heart is being pulled by God, while my rational brain is struggling at the other end of the rope. Fighting to keep me grounded in reality.

The problem?? I hate this current reality. I am not satisfied, I am not filled, I do not experience joy, nor do I understand why somebody could ever love this broken, and decrepit human being. There is absolutely nothing that I can bring to the table when I allow my brain to rule and tell me that I am worthless. That no matter what I do, he could not possibly want me.

A God I can understand could not possibly want to associate with, or love, or forgive a person as wicked as me. Lucky for me, I can not explain Him. I could never truly follow or commit to a God I can completely comprehend. If I could, He would not be God. There is so much we can know about His character from the tangible words he left to us in the Bible. But He is so much bigger than what the mind of man could ever create or understand or put into words.

Sometimes I feel like Humanity is a science experiment gone very, very wrong. Why would God give us free will, when he knew we would fall? I think it's the same reason I prefer a real dog to a robot dog. I interact and care for a real dog. It constantly needs to be assured of my love. And I prove that love by taking care of it. And because I care for it, it loves, obeys, and desires to please me. A robotic dog does not need this. He could gather dust on a shelf for months, and when you got him out, you would get the same programed responses. maybe a tail wag and a happy bark, But the reality is that if you did that to a living animal, it would die of neglect, never knowing what it is to be loved. I think God wanted us to desire a relationship with him, to obey Him, and to love Him. A programed response could never match those organic and true experiences that He has with his children. With us. With me.

What I am learning, is that God is desperate for me. Me, just as I am. Because as the prophet Isaiah says in chapter 64 verse 6: ...all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away. Nothing I do will EVER be enough. I will never be able to present God with the clean rags I so desperately want to have. There is no "bleach" strong enough to wash away the selfish life I have been leading. I cannot hide my mistakes and sins from Him. So I have no choice. If I choose to be His, I must give him those filthy rags. The beauty of it, is he accepts them. No matter how dirty or smelly they are, He wants them. and the only way that can be true is because He sees us though the filter of Jesus Christ. Because a Holy God cannot accept anything less than perfection.

I used to tell people that Ephesians 2:8-9 were my favorite verses in the Bible. But I think I never really got the meaning. Hear is the version I regurgitated in AWANA: For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. Here is my version now: God gives me grace I don't deserve, as a free gift. Because if I could earn it, I would have no need, love or desire for Him. That is to say I must be completely dependent on Him. Scary. I have to have faith that this God, this entity that i cannot tangibly explain or feel, is in love with Me and wishes me to be with Him despite my faults.

I have believed in God my whole life. I was raised in a "Religious" home. I put that in quotes because my family DID church. I DID awana. but I thought it was about posturing and image, so I memorized the correct responses and none of it ever reached my Heart. I can continue to believe in God all I want. But the Devil believes in God. So what?? It's my faith that makes a difference. I must Live my life for Him. Because the way I've been living, for all anyone knew, I was an Atheist. I want, I desire His work in me to be evident and obvious to those around me. I want people to ask me why I am different.

I guess I'm ready to jump.

Austin Tucker Duda

On December 27, 2010 @ 1:33 PM, Austin Tucker Duda was born. And as I held him for the first time 30 minutes later, I lost my heart to him. Being in the room for his birth is the most amazing, raw, organic, and vulnerable human experience I have Ever witnessed. I couldn't stop the flow of tears as I was overwhelmed with sensations of relief, awe, and joy. When my friend of 14 years, and the father, Mark held his little baby boy for the first time, I cried again. That all encompassing look of love in his eyes was incredible. Stephanie was in labor for about 31 hours. She is amazing! She loves him so much. It's amazing how that little boy has taken over our lives. I've found I love sleeping with him in my arms. Nothing smells quite like sleepy baby. And having his tiny perfect hand grab my finger is an inexplicably humbling experience. I just needed to gush a bit:) Being around that innocence and warmth is addicting.

Inside out

I smile a little

...nod my head,

go on with life

leave much unsaid

I worry about "appropriate"

and polite society,

I make a god impression

So eager to please.

I act like I believe

the bullshit of this life,

For who would want this pain?

This agony? This strife?

What's going on inside?

Who's behind the mask?

I don't know anymore

and I'm not up to the task.

For I've dosed myself with poison

I've taken novacaine.

I reserve one feeling for myself,

And always it's disdain.

Where is that fiery passion?

What happened in my head?

Where'd I take a detour?

And allow myself to be lead?

I don't know this person,

Her insides never match,

Feelings sometimes register,

but never have a chance.

Because it's rarely safe

To be in my moment,

I lock it all out,

and live in torment.

Bottled up so tight,

afraid I might explode.

I'm locked down, air tight,

and I've throw away the code.

I want what's on my outside

to reflect the inner me.

To be liberated.

To let these feelings free.

"Shoulding" all over ourselves

Shoulda gone to class today, shoulda done my homework, shoulda known he was no good, shoulda known monkeys were supposed to be pink. I've found myself shoulding a lot lately. I'm reminded of a poem by Shel Silverstien:

All the Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas
Layin' in the sun,
Talkin' 'bout the things
They woulda coulda shoulda done...
But those Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas
All ran away and hid

From one little Did

Time to start DOING things. I haven't been pursuing God. At all. I think I have some entitlement issues to work out, as well as the more obvious trust/faith issues.  Faith and trust create problems for me in other parts of my life too.  For instance my acting classes.  I second guess myself so much because I'm so afraid of putting my true, raw self out there.  I don't trust myself or the people around me and it's frustrating to be feeling like I'm going nowhere. Same with God.  He doesn't get the REAL me, because I'm too afraid to show him everything, no, too afraid to give him everything. I know he already sees everything. And what I still don't get, is that he wants me. ME. Even with all of my "Shoulding" all over myself.  I need to find value in that and learn to trust it. To trust the great people I surround myself with. To trust my family, who loves me, to trust a God who wants me, and to trust and value myself enough to DO something about it.

question

When everything is going my way, when I have amazing friends, when my family loves me, when I want for nothing, why is it that I can't be happy?

Faith

How do I get some??  Believing in something intangible and undecipherable to the human senses is... so hard. So Hard.  People keep telling me, "take it on faith" "my faith keeps me afloat" "faith is essential" Some part of me knows it to be true. But I'm limited by my humanness, by my desire to control and my inability to settle my doubts.  

We are supposed to come to Jesus "as we are" but I still feel like I have to change before he'll accept me and really work in and through my life.  I know I'm not the first and I won't be the last to struggle with this, but my cousin is right.  I need to get this part of my life in order or I won't experience joy, or really get anywhere. Living for me, and my desires isn't working.  So here we go God.  You've got my attention.  Let's work this out, because I'm really, really tired of doing it on my own.

Snapped

        I snapped, and now I get to pick up the pieces again. sigh...For me, it's an endless cycle. Grab as many pieces as I can, glue them back together, and hope it holds.  Until it doesn't...and then I have to pick up the pieces again. 

But I'm not happy....umm wrong word. I don't experience joy. Happiness is circumstantial and fleeting, Joy, Joy is what Paul talks about in the letters he wrote to the churches he had helped. He experienced joy in prison.  I have this great life, so many opportunities, and I don't SEE them. I create my own prison.  For what reason?? Am I so afraid of change that I'll keep myself locked up forever? 

What about God? I take the Bible for truth, I believe in creation, but I can't hand my life over to him.  I can't let go. I am a control freak and... I won't surrender my life unless I am absolutely sure.  And I have so many doubts.  Soo Many.  Where do I start?