Faith

How do I get some??  Believing in something intangible and undecipherable to the human senses is... so hard. So Hard.  People keep telling me, "take it on faith" "my faith keeps me afloat" "faith is essential" Some part of me knows it to be true. But I'm limited by my humanness, by my desire to control and my inability to settle my doubts.  

We are supposed to come to Jesus "as we are" but I still feel like I have to change before he'll accept me and really work in and through my life.  I know I'm not the first and I won't be the last to struggle with this, but my cousin is right.  I need to get this part of my life in order or I won't experience joy, or really get anywhere. Living for me, and my desires isn't working.  So here we go God.  You've got my attention.  Let's work this out, because I'm really, really tired of doing it on my own.

Snapped

        I snapped, and now I get to pick up the pieces again. sigh...For me, it's an endless cycle. Grab as many pieces as I can, glue them back together, and hope it holds.  Until it doesn't...and then I have to pick up the pieces again. 

But I'm not happy....umm wrong word. I don't experience joy. Happiness is circumstantial and fleeting, Joy, Joy is what Paul talks about in the letters he wrote to the churches he had helped. He experienced joy in prison.  I have this great life, so many opportunities, and I don't SEE them. I create my own prison.  For what reason?? Am I so afraid of change that I'll keep myself locked up forever? 

What about God? I take the Bible for truth, I believe in creation, but I can't hand my life over to him.  I can't let go. I am a control freak and... I won't surrender my life unless I am absolutely sure.  And I have so many doubts.  Soo Many.  Where do I start?