In my journey and experience with God, I have been fighting for many reasons, but one of the big ones is my human inability to grasp anything intangible. To believe it I must be able to hear, see, taste, touch, or smell it. Beyond those senses nothing else is real. I also believe, that like most people, I am afraid of what I don't completely understand, and anything beyond my limited and human experience falls into the category of terrifying. Despite these feelings I feel as though I am being pursued by this terrifying and inexplicably wonderful being. I feel as though my heart is being pulled by God, while my rational brain is struggling at the other end of the rope. Fighting to keep me grounded in reality.
The problem?? I hate this current reality. I am not satisfied, I am not filled, I do not experience joy, nor do I understand why somebody could ever love this broken, and decrepit human being. There is absolutely nothing that I can bring to the table when I allow my brain to rule and tell me that I am worthless. That no matter what I do, he could not possibly want me.
A God I can understand could not possibly want to associate with, or love, or forgive a person as wicked as me. Lucky for me, I can not explain Him. I could never truly follow or commit to a God I can completely comprehend. If I could, He would not be God. There is so much we can know about His character from the tangible words he left to us in the Bible. But He is so much bigger than what the mind of man could ever create or understand or put into words.
Sometimes I feel like Humanity is a science experiment gone very, very wrong. Why would God give us free will, when he knew we would fall? I think it's the same reason I prefer a real dog to a robot dog. I interact and care for a real dog. It constantly needs to be assured of my love. And I prove that love by taking care of it. And because I care for it, it loves, obeys, and desires to please me. A robotic dog does not need this. He could gather dust on a shelf for months, and when you got him out, you would get the same programed responses. maybe a tail wag and a happy bark, But the reality is that if you did that to a living animal, it would die of neglect, never knowing what it is to be loved. I think God wanted us to desire a relationship with him, to obey Him, and to love Him. A programed response could never match those organic and true experiences that He has with his children. With us. With me.
What I am learning, is that God is desperate for me. Me, just as I am. Because as the prophet Isaiah says in chapter 64 verse 6: ...all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away. Nothing I do will EVER be enough. I will never be able to present God with the clean rags I so desperately want to have. There is no "bleach" strong enough to wash away the selfish life I have been leading. I cannot hide my mistakes and sins from Him. So I have no choice. If I choose to be His, I must give him those filthy rags. The beauty of it, is he accepts them. No matter how dirty or smelly they are, He wants them. and the only way that can be true is because He sees us though the filter of Jesus Christ. Because a Holy God cannot accept anything less than perfection.
I used to tell people that Ephesians 2:8-9 were my favorite verses in the Bible. But I think I never really got the meaning. Hear is the version I regurgitated in AWANA: For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. Here is my version now: God gives me grace I don't deserve, as a free gift. Because if I could earn it, I would have no need, love or desire for Him. That is to say I must be completely dependent on Him. Scary. I have to have faith that this God, this entity that i cannot tangibly explain or feel, is in love with Me and wishes me to be with Him despite my faults.
I have believed in God my whole life. I was raised in a "Religious" home. I put that in quotes because my family DID church. I DID awana. but I thought it was about posturing and image, so I memorized the correct responses and none of it ever reached my Heart. I can continue to believe in God all I want. But the Devil believes in God. So what?? It's my faith that makes a difference. I must Live my life for Him. Because the way I've been living, for all anyone knew, I was an Atheist. I want, I desire His work in me to be evident and obvious to those around me. I want people to ask me why I am different.
I guess I'm ready to jump.
2 comments:
Oh my Brenna. Your post was beautiful. I pray that our God and Father will draw you even closer into his arms. ;)
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