Romanticism and Pride.

There's this song by the proclaimers called "I'm Gonna Be". This is the chorus:

And I would walk 500 miles

And I would walk 500 more

Just to be the man who walked 1000 miles

To fall down at your door.

The Whole point of this song is that this guy would do anything with/ for this girl. It's so sweet, romantic. Full of promises. This is yet another problem that I have with God. I expect these wonderful, passionate, and romantic feelings for Him to last. Yet every time I "recommit" my life to Him, I am disappointed. I am beginning to realize that this is my fault, not His. It's not His fault I lose steam. I'm HUMAN. My problem is ME. Despite professing to having given Him my life, I retain control and am therefore subject to all of the pitfalls of someone lost in the dark. My mouth professes to know the light, but I am still stumbling. My eyes are wide open to the truth, but I'm still blind. Why? Because I refuse to follow the voice calling to me in the dark. I tell myself: I can do this!! Actually, I see very well in the dark. I know my own way around.

Oye, my pride. Such a problem for me. Actually, two problems for me.

1. I have too much

2. I take pride in the wrong things

Don Miller makes a great point in his book Blue Like Jazz: "Who am I to think myself above God's grace? And why would I forsake the riches of God's righteousness for the dung of my own ego?"

Why?!?! To hold onto my control with both hands! In giving myself credit for every thing in my own life, I can further convince myself that I don't need some intangible force directing my footsteps in the dark. The thing is i'm tired of stubbing my toes and walking into walls. As God's voice becomes more seductive, I am scared. Just like my medication and therapy give me a new life outside of my head, I am anxious about what life outside of my current heart will be. Because it needs a change. Badly. It's a beater with a heater, and God is offering me a brand new Volvo S40. Something safe to see me through all of the trials of this turbulent life. But I am clinging to that beater. Because...it's known, and therefore safe. I guess I just need to get to the point where I am ready to truly let go. I might be ready to jump, but I've gotta check that parachute a thousand times before I'll ever let go.