Getting to the crux of the matter: ME

Me, me, me, me. It is ALL about me!! The sun, the moon, and the stars all revolve around my pretty little head.

So many of us ignore God for the "Me" in our lives. For myself, that means an endless pursuit to find validation by pleasing the people around me. An endless race to be "cool" I know I am not alone in this race. Millions of people all over the world are running too. Nearly everybody wants to be accepted by "popular" society or some facet of it. It's like High school never died. But I'm around these people who don't care about cool, and they are happy. Filled with joy. They are absolutely sure they are "cool" in the eyes of their creator and that is enough for them. Their lives are lived around one simple question: How can I glorify God today?

How can I glorify God with my life? Instead of trying to figure out the path for my life that most pleases me, I need to ask Him where He wants me. Where can He best use me? Where can I best serve? Maybe that's part of the reason I never settled on a major. I was asking the wrong question.

Branded

There's a scar on my heart,

Where a brand used to be.

It gave me direction,

A purpose in life,

And now that scar is infected

With rage, misunderstanding, and lies.

Until Nothing is clear,

And I no longer see

What my future may hold.

Because a future without that brand

Is too scary to approach...

But to receive that brand again,

Will hurt, and I fear burn,

To the very core of my existence.

And I will no longer be me

But someone's version

Of what I'm supposed to be.

So now where to turn?

To pain or uncertainty?

Romanticism and Pride.

There's this song by the proclaimers called "I'm Gonna Be". This is the chorus:

And I would walk 500 miles

And I would walk 500 more

Just to be the man who walked 1000 miles

To fall down at your door.

The Whole point of this song is that this guy would do anything with/ for this girl. It's so sweet, romantic. Full of promises. This is yet another problem that I have with God. I expect these wonderful, passionate, and romantic feelings for Him to last. Yet every time I "recommit" my life to Him, I am disappointed. I am beginning to realize that this is my fault, not His. It's not His fault I lose steam. I'm HUMAN. My problem is ME. Despite professing to having given Him my life, I retain control and am therefore subject to all of the pitfalls of someone lost in the dark. My mouth professes to know the light, but I am still stumbling. My eyes are wide open to the truth, but I'm still blind. Why? Because I refuse to follow the voice calling to me in the dark. I tell myself: I can do this!! Actually, I see very well in the dark. I know my own way around.

Oye, my pride. Such a problem for me. Actually, two problems for me.

1. I have too much

2. I take pride in the wrong things

Don Miller makes a great point in his book Blue Like Jazz: "Who am I to think myself above God's grace? And why would I forsake the riches of God's righteousness for the dung of my own ego?"

Why?!?! To hold onto my control with both hands! In giving myself credit for every thing in my own life, I can further convince myself that I don't need some intangible force directing my footsteps in the dark. The thing is i'm tired of stubbing my toes and walking into walls. As God's voice becomes more seductive, I am scared. Just like my medication and therapy give me a new life outside of my head, I am anxious about what life outside of my current heart will be. Because it needs a change. Badly. It's a beater with a heater, and God is offering me a brand new Volvo S40. Something safe to see me through all of the trials of this turbulent life. But I am clinging to that beater. Because...it's known, and therefore safe. I guess I just need to get to the point where I am ready to truly let go. I might be ready to jump, but I've gotta check that parachute a thousand times before I'll ever let go.

A Rational God

My little epiphany: A rational God is not rational. I know what you're thinking. That's a paradox Brenna.

In my journey and experience with God, I have been fighting for many reasons, but one of the big ones is my human inability to grasp anything intangible. To believe it I must be able to hear, see, taste, touch, or smell it. Beyond those senses nothing else is real. I also believe, that like most people, I am afraid of what I don't completely understand, and anything beyond my limited and human experience falls into the category of terrifying. Despite these feelings I feel as though I am being pursued by this terrifying and inexplicably wonderful being. I feel as though my heart is being pulled by God, while my rational brain is struggling at the other end of the rope. Fighting to keep me grounded in reality.

The problem?? I hate this current reality. I am not satisfied, I am not filled, I do not experience joy, nor do I understand why somebody could ever love this broken, and decrepit human being. There is absolutely nothing that I can bring to the table when I allow my brain to rule and tell me that I am worthless. That no matter what I do, he could not possibly want me.

A God I can understand could not possibly want to associate with, or love, or forgive a person as wicked as me. Lucky for me, I can not explain Him. I could never truly follow or commit to a God I can completely comprehend. If I could, He would not be God. There is so much we can know about His character from the tangible words he left to us in the Bible. But He is so much bigger than what the mind of man could ever create or understand or put into words.

Sometimes I feel like Humanity is a science experiment gone very, very wrong. Why would God give us free will, when he knew we would fall? I think it's the same reason I prefer a real dog to a robot dog. I interact and care for a real dog. It constantly needs to be assured of my love. And I prove that love by taking care of it. And because I care for it, it loves, obeys, and desires to please me. A robotic dog does not need this. He could gather dust on a shelf for months, and when you got him out, you would get the same programed responses. maybe a tail wag and a happy bark, But the reality is that if you did that to a living animal, it would die of neglect, never knowing what it is to be loved. I think God wanted us to desire a relationship with him, to obey Him, and to love Him. A programed response could never match those organic and true experiences that He has with his children. With us. With me.

What I am learning, is that God is desperate for me. Me, just as I am. Because as the prophet Isaiah says in chapter 64 verse 6: ...all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away. Nothing I do will EVER be enough. I will never be able to present God with the clean rags I so desperately want to have. There is no "bleach" strong enough to wash away the selfish life I have been leading. I cannot hide my mistakes and sins from Him. So I have no choice. If I choose to be His, I must give him those filthy rags. The beauty of it, is he accepts them. No matter how dirty or smelly they are, He wants them. and the only way that can be true is because He sees us though the filter of Jesus Christ. Because a Holy God cannot accept anything less than perfection.

I used to tell people that Ephesians 2:8-9 were my favorite verses in the Bible. But I think I never really got the meaning. Hear is the version I regurgitated in AWANA: For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. Here is my version now: God gives me grace I don't deserve, as a free gift. Because if I could earn it, I would have no need, love or desire for Him. That is to say I must be completely dependent on Him. Scary. I have to have faith that this God, this entity that i cannot tangibly explain or feel, is in love with Me and wishes me to be with Him despite my faults.

I have believed in God my whole life. I was raised in a "Religious" home. I put that in quotes because my family DID church. I DID awana. but I thought it was about posturing and image, so I memorized the correct responses and none of it ever reached my Heart. I can continue to believe in God all I want. But the Devil believes in God. So what?? It's my faith that makes a difference. I must Live my life for Him. Because the way I've been living, for all anyone knew, I was an Atheist. I want, I desire His work in me to be evident and obvious to those around me. I want people to ask me why I am different.

I guess I'm ready to jump.

Austin Tucker Duda

On December 27, 2010 @ 1:33 PM, Austin Tucker Duda was born. And as I held him for the first time 30 minutes later, I lost my heart to him. Being in the room for his birth is the most amazing, raw, organic, and vulnerable human experience I have Ever witnessed. I couldn't stop the flow of tears as I was overwhelmed with sensations of relief, awe, and joy. When my friend of 14 years, and the father, Mark held his little baby boy for the first time, I cried again. That all encompassing look of love in his eyes was incredible. Stephanie was in labor for about 31 hours. She is amazing! She loves him so much. It's amazing how that little boy has taken over our lives. I've found I love sleeping with him in my arms. Nothing smells quite like sleepy baby. And having his tiny perfect hand grab my finger is an inexplicably humbling experience. I just needed to gush a bit:) Being around that innocence and warmth is addicting.

Inside out

I smile a little

...nod my head,

go on with life

leave much unsaid

I worry about "appropriate"

and polite society,

I make a god impression

So eager to please.

I act like I believe

the bullshit of this life,

For who would want this pain?

This agony? This strife?

What's going on inside?

Who's behind the mask?

I don't know anymore

and I'm not up to the task.

For I've dosed myself with poison

I've taken novacaine.

I reserve one feeling for myself,

And always it's disdain.

Where is that fiery passion?

What happened in my head?

Where'd I take a detour?

And allow myself to be lead?

I don't know this person,

Her insides never match,

Feelings sometimes register,

but never have a chance.

Because it's rarely safe

To be in my moment,

I lock it all out,

and live in torment.

Bottled up so tight,

afraid I might explode.

I'm locked down, air tight,

and I've throw away the code.

I want what's on my outside

to reflect the inner me.

To be liberated.

To let these feelings free.

"Shoulding" all over ourselves

Shoulda gone to class today, shoulda done my homework, shoulda known he was no good, shoulda known monkeys were supposed to be pink. I've found myself shoulding a lot lately. I'm reminded of a poem by Shel Silverstien:

All the Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas
Layin' in the sun,
Talkin' 'bout the things
They woulda coulda shoulda done...
But those Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas
All ran away and hid

From one little Did

Time to start DOING things. I haven't been pursuing God. At all. I think I have some entitlement issues to work out, as well as the more obvious trust/faith issues.  Faith and trust create problems for me in other parts of my life too.  For instance my acting classes.  I second guess myself so much because I'm so afraid of putting my true, raw self out there.  I don't trust myself or the people around me and it's frustrating to be feeling like I'm going nowhere. Same with God.  He doesn't get the REAL me, because I'm too afraid to show him everything, no, too afraid to give him everything. I know he already sees everything. And what I still don't get, is that he wants me. ME. Even with all of my "Shoulding" all over myself.  I need to find value in that and learn to trust it. To trust the great people I surround myself with. To trust my family, who loves me, to trust a God who wants me, and to trust and value myself enough to DO something about it.