"Shoulding" all over ourselves

Shoulda gone to class today, shoulda done my homework, shoulda known he was no good, shoulda known monkeys were supposed to be pink. I've found myself shoulding a lot lately. I'm reminded of a poem by Shel Silverstien:

All the Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas
Layin' in the sun,
Talkin' 'bout the things
They woulda coulda shoulda done...
But those Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas
All ran away and hid

From one little Did

Time to start DOING things. I haven't been pursuing God. At all. I think I have some entitlement issues to work out, as well as the more obvious trust/faith issues.  Faith and trust create problems for me in other parts of my life too.  For instance my acting classes.  I second guess myself so much because I'm so afraid of putting my true, raw self out there.  I don't trust myself or the people around me and it's frustrating to be feeling like I'm going nowhere. Same with God.  He doesn't get the REAL me, because I'm too afraid to show him everything, no, too afraid to give him everything. I know he already sees everything. And what I still don't get, is that he wants me. ME. Even with all of my "Shoulding" all over myself.  I need to find value in that and learn to trust it. To trust the great people I surround myself with. To trust my family, who loves me, to trust a God who wants me, and to trust and value myself enough to DO something about it.

question

When everything is going my way, when I have amazing friends, when my family loves me, when I want for nothing, why is it that I can't be happy?

Faith

How do I get some??  Believing in something intangible and undecipherable to the human senses is... so hard. So Hard.  People keep telling me, "take it on faith" "my faith keeps me afloat" "faith is essential" Some part of me knows it to be true. But I'm limited by my humanness, by my desire to control and my inability to settle my doubts.  

We are supposed to come to Jesus "as we are" but I still feel like I have to change before he'll accept me and really work in and through my life.  I know I'm not the first and I won't be the last to struggle with this, but my cousin is right.  I need to get this part of my life in order or I won't experience joy, or really get anywhere. Living for me, and my desires isn't working.  So here we go God.  You've got my attention.  Let's work this out, because I'm really, really tired of doing it on my own.

Snapped

        I snapped, and now I get to pick up the pieces again. sigh...For me, it's an endless cycle. Grab as many pieces as I can, glue them back together, and hope it holds.  Until it doesn't...and then I have to pick up the pieces again. 

But I'm not happy....umm wrong word. I don't experience joy. Happiness is circumstantial and fleeting, Joy, Joy is what Paul talks about in the letters he wrote to the churches he had helped. He experienced joy in prison.  I have this great life, so many opportunities, and I don't SEE them. I create my own prison.  For what reason?? Am I so afraid of change that I'll keep myself locked up forever? 

What about God? I take the Bible for truth, I believe in creation, but I can't hand my life over to him.  I can't let go. I am a control freak and... I won't surrender my life unless I am absolutely sure.  And I have so many doubts.  Soo Many.  Where do I start?