Snapped

        I snapped, and now I get to pick up the pieces again. sigh...For me, it's an endless cycle. Grab as many pieces as I can, glue them back together, and hope it holds.  Until it doesn't...and then I have to pick up the pieces again. 

But I'm not happy....umm wrong word. I don't experience joy. Happiness is circumstantial and fleeting, Joy, Joy is what Paul talks about in the letters he wrote to the churches he had helped. He experienced joy in prison.  I have this great life, so many opportunities, and I don't SEE them. I create my own prison.  For what reason?? Am I so afraid of change that I'll keep myself locked up forever? 

What about God? I take the Bible for truth, I believe in creation, but I can't hand my life over to him.  I can't let go. I am a control freak and... I won't surrender my life unless I am absolutely sure.  And I have so many doubts.  Soo Many.  Where do I start?