One Month Down, An Eternity To Go...

Seriously?? Only a month?? I feel like I've been going full tilt with God for a year now. But, as the typical human, and the typical Brenna, I already notice myself losing steam. Don't get me wrong, I still read my bible everyday, pray several times a day, my cussing has all but quit, and God is continuing to show me ways to discipline my sinful nature. I've just got this nagging feeling, that all I am doing is not good enough. When I accepted Christ, I accepted it on faith that I am saved because of His sacrifice.

But there is this overwhelming problem I have with self criticism. I throw myself into something, then I get down on myself at the first mistake, throw my hands in the air, and quit. There have even been points in my life when I've considered quitting life. I am trying to remind myself that God knows I am human, and that He loves me despite my shortcomings...but I am still having an incredibly difficult time loving myself in spite of my faults.

This journey has changed somewhat. I do not feel alone. And I love that I can go to my heavenly Dad with every little nuance of my life. Approaching Him as a father figure has been...difficult, to say the least, but I am very aware of the healing He is doing in my heart. I guess I am still struggling with being stagnant...and the inability to believe in my dreams.

I AM a dreamer! It comes out in my art, music, poetry...but I put it on hold. I have been so conditioned to accept only the practical in life, that I am a bit wary of God's plan for me. Honestly...I am frightened. He is testing my dependence on Him already, and I shudder to think of the impending failure, should He ask something of me. I want to please Him so badly! Sigh. I am viewing God as I view my earthly father. It took me writing that out to understand my misconception. Anybody have any ideas on how I can start to fix this??

Control Freak!!

In Giving control to God, I no longer feel out of control. Yet another seeming paradox in my faith, but it's true. I actually surprised myself with this statement yesterday. For those of you that know me, you know what a control freak I am. It's one of the reasons I make it my business to know everything about everything. By knowing as much as possible, I've been able to create the illusion of control in my life for a long time. In truth, I was in a death spiral; a self destructive path of trying to please anyone and everyone I possibly could (including myself). But as I spoke with Lisa yesterday, I mentioned my frustration with the lack of apparent direction in my life. Now that I am leading a Christ-centered life, I want that path to have a goal. She said something to the affect of how difficult it is to not want to take back the reigns after handing them over to God. To which I replied that I didn't want control. I just want Him to give a nice firm flick of the reigns so that my direction is made clear.

But even without that, I am completely confident that He is in control, His timing is perfect, and He will bless me beyond my wildest imaginings!! A far cry from the lost girl of a couple months ago. I was so hopelessly lost on my own, and now I revel in the peace of being FOUND!

Labeled

So I have this problem with Christianity. I hate the labels I automatically get tagged with when I identify myself as a follower of Christ. Narrow-minded, bible thumper, self righteous, hypocrite, religious, ignorant...to name a few. TO be honest, it's one of the reasons I put off God for so long. I was in the presence of a few too many hypocritical bible thumpers to understand that being a Christian didn't have to come with all of that crap. Of those afore mentioned labels though, there is one I am proud to claim: Narrow-mindedness. John 14:6 Jesus Answered "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." I am certain of my eternity. The peace that comes with that knowledge...it's overwhelming in the best possible way.

Getting to the crux of the matter: ME

Me, me, me, me. It is ALL about me!! The sun, the moon, and the stars all revolve around my pretty little head.

So many of us ignore God for the "Me" in our lives. For myself, that means an endless pursuit to find validation by pleasing the people around me. An endless race to be "cool" I know I am not alone in this race. Millions of people all over the world are running too. Nearly everybody wants to be accepted by "popular" society or some facet of it. It's like High school never died. But I'm around these people who don't care about cool, and they are happy. Filled with joy. They are absolutely sure they are "cool" in the eyes of their creator and that is enough for them. Their lives are lived around one simple question: How can I glorify God today?

How can I glorify God with my life? Instead of trying to figure out the path for my life that most pleases me, I need to ask Him where He wants me. Where can He best use me? Where can I best serve? Maybe that's part of the reason I never settled on a major. I was asking the wrong question.

Branded

There's a scar on my heart,

Where a brand used to be.

It gave me direction,

A purpose in life,

And now that scar is infected

With rage, misunderstanding, and lies.

Until Nothing is clear,

And I no longer see

What my future may hold.

Because a future without that brand

Is too scary to approach...

But to receive that brand again,

Will hurt, and I fear burn,

To the very core of my existence.

And I will no longer be me

But someone's version

Of what I'm supposed to be.

So now where to turn?

To pain or uncertainty?

Romanticism and Pride.

There's this song by the proclaimers called "I'm Gonna Be". This is the chorus:

And I would walk 500 miles

And I would walk 500 more

Just to be the man who walked 1000 miles

To fall down at your door.

The Whole point of this song is that this guy would do anything with/ for this girl. It's so sweet, romantic. Full of promises. This is yet another problem that I have with God. I expect these wonderful, passionate, and romantic feelings for Him to last. Yet every time I "recommit" my life to Him, I am disappointed. I am beginning to realize that this is my fault, not His. It's not His fault I lose steam. I'm HUMAN. My problem is ME. Despite professing to having given Him my life, I retain control and am therefore subject to all of the pitfalls of someone lost in the dark. My mouth professes to know the light, but I am still stumbling. My eyes are wide open to the truth, but I'm still blind. Why? Because I refuse to follow the voice calling to me in the dark. I tell myself: I can do this!! Actually, I see very well in the dark. I know my own way around.

Oye, my pride. Such a problem for me. Actually, two problems for me.

1. I have too much

2. I take pride in the wrong things

Don Miller makes a great point in his book Blue Like Jazz: "Who am I to think myself above God's grace? And why would I forsake the riches of God's righteousness for the dung of my own ego?"

Why?!?! To hold onto my control with both hands! In giving myself credit for every thing in my own life, I can further convince myself that I don't need some intangible force directing my footsteps in the dark. The thing is i'm tired of stubbing my toes and walking into walls. As God's voice becomes more seductive, I am scared. Just like my medication and therapy give me a new life outside of my head, I am anxious about what life outside of my current heart will be. Because it needs a change. Badly. It's a beater with a heater, and God is offering me a brand new Volvo S40. Something safe to see me through all of the trials of this turbulent life. But I am clinging to that beater. Because...it's known, and therefore safe. I guess I just need to get to the point where I am ready to truly let go. I might be ready to jump, but I've gotta check that parachute a thousand times before I'll ever let go.

A Rational God

My little epiphany: A rational God is not rational. I know what you're thinking. That's a paradox Brenna.

In my journey and experience with God, I have been fighting for many reasons, but one of the big ones is my human inability to grasp anything intangible. To believe it I must be able to hear, see, taste, touch, or smell it. Beyond those senses nothing else is real. I also believe, that like most people, I am afraid of what I don't completely understand, and anything beyond my limited and human experience falls into the category of terrifying. Despite these feelings I feel as though I am being pursued by this terrifying and inexplicably wonderful being. I feel as though my heart is being pulled by God, while my rational brain is struggling at the other end of the rope. Fighting to keep me grounded in reality.

The problem?? I hate this current reality. I am not satisfied, I am not filled, I do not experience joy, nor do I understand why somebody could ever love this broken, and decrepit human being. There is absolutely nothing that I can bring to the table when I allow my brain to rule and tell me that I am worthless. That no matter what I do, he could not possibly want me.

A God I can understand could not possibly want to associate with, or love, or forgive a person as wicked as me. Lucky for me, I can not explain Him. I could never truly follow or commit to a God I can completely comprehend. If I could, He would not be God. There is so much we can know about His character from the tangible words he left to us in the Bible. But He is so much bigger than what the mind of man could ever create or understand or put into words.

Sometimes I feel like Humanity is a science experiment gone very, very wrong. Why would God give us free will, when he knew we would fall? I think it's the same reason I prefer a real dog to a robot dog. I interact and care for a real dog. It constantly needs to be assured of my love. And I prove that love by taking care of it. And because I care for it, it loves, obeys, and desires to please me. A robotic dog does not need this. He could gather dust on a shelf for months, and when you got him out, you would get the same programed responses. maybe a tail wag and a happy bark, But the reality is that if you did that to a living animal, it would die of neglect, never knowing what it is to be loved. I think God wanted us to desire a relationship with him, to obey Him, and to love Him. A programed response could never match those organic and true experiences that He has with his children. With us. With me.

What I am learning, is that God is desperate for me. Me, just as I am. Because as the prophet Isaiah says in chapter 64 verse 6: ...all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away. Nothing I do will EVER be enough. I will never be able to present God with the clean rags I so desperately want to have. There is no "bleach" strong enough to wash away the selfish life I have been leading. I cannot hide my mistakes and sins from Him. So I have no choice. If I choose to be His, I must give him those filthy rags. The beauty of it, is he accepts them. No matter how dirty or smelly they are, He wants them. and the only way that can be true is because He sees us though the filter of Jesus Christ. Because a Holy God cannot accept anything less than perfection.

I used to tell people that Ephesians 2:8-9 were my favorite verses in the Bible. But I think I never really got the meaning. Hear is the version I regurgitated in AWANA: For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. Here is my version now: God gives me grace I don't deserve, as a free gift. Because if I could earn it, I would have no need, love or desire for Him. That is to say I must be completely dependent on Him. Scary. I have to have faith that this God, this entity that i cannot tangibly explain or feel, is in love with Me and wishes me to be with Him despite my faults.

I have believed in God my whole life. I was raised in a "Religious" home. I put that in quotes because my family DID church. I DID awana. but I thought it was about posturing and image, so I memorized the correct responses and none of it ever reached my Heart. I can continue to believe in God all I want. But the Devil believes in God. So what?? It's my faith that makes a difference. I must Live my life for Him. Because the way I've been living, for all anyone knew, I was an Atheist. I want, I desire His work in me to be evident and obvious to those around me. I want people to ask me why I am different.

I guess I'm ready to jump.